In most cases, the authors of these pieces intended them to be funny. But some of the "humour" is unintended: for example, hop to Milton Babbit, James Fetzer, and St. Johns County.

Some sections were generously contributed by the world-renowned "Anonymous".. In this context, "anonymous" means "I found this somewhere but I can't remember where I found it and I don't know or care who wrote it". If you are the author of one of these delightful pieces, please let me know, and I will delete it immediately.

There is a section called My Stuff consisting of humour that is, as far as I know, mine. It is rather short right now but may grow in the future. If others lay claim to the jokes, it may shrink. I have written some short stories that are also intended to be funny.


Ambrose Bierce (from The Devil's Dictionary.)

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Faith, n. Belief without evidence told by persons without knowledge of things without parallel.

Lecturer, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience.

Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

Piano, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

Self-evident, adj. Evident to oneself and to nobody else.

Barnett Cocks

Committee, n. A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

Benjamin Disraeli

(Asked to distinguish two English words:)

If Prime Minister Gladstone were to fall into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. If someone were to pull him out, it would be a calamity.


The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) has an Institutional Management in Higher Education (IMHE) programme that needed a definition for Performance Indicators (PIs). The result:

Indicator, n. A numerical value used to measure something which is difficult to quantify.

Bye-Law, St. Johns County, Florida

(Can you tell your ass from your elbow? If not, the following definition may help you.)

Buttocks, The area at the rear of the human body (sometimes referred to as the glutaeus maximus) which lies between two imaginary straight lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line being 1/2 inch below the top of the vertical cleavage of the nates (i.e., the prominence formed by the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom such line being 1/2 inch above the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance (sometimes referred to as the gluteal fold), and between two imaginary straight lines, one on each side of the body (the "outside lines"), which outside lines are perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above and which perpendicular outside lines pass through the outermost point(s) at which each nate meets the outer side of each leg. Notwithstanding the above, Buttocks shall not include the leg, the hamstring muscle below the gluteal fold, the tensor fasciae lathe muscle or any of the above-described portion of the human body that is between either (i) the left inside perpendicular line and the left outside perpendicular line or (ii) the right inside perpendicular line and the right outside perpendicular line. For the purpose of the previous sentence the left inside perpendicular line shall be an imaginary straight line on the left side of the anus (i) that is perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above and (ii) that is 1/3 of the distance from the anus to the left outside line, and the right inside perpendicular line shall be an imaginary straight line on the right side of the anus (i) that is perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above and (ii) that is 1/3 of the distance from the anus to the right outside line. (The above description can generally be described as covering 1/3 of the buttocks centered over the cleavage for the length of the cleavage.)

Mathematics and Logic

Some people say that the Pope is the greatest cardinal. But that can't be true, because every Pope has a successor.

"The idea that mathematicians are absent-minded is absolutely wrong. There is a conclusive proof that shows that they are not but, unfortunately, I have lost it." John F. Bowers, University of Leeds.

"Reading was something he knew about only from books, yet he was quite anxious to experience it for himself." Stephen Bock.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. A little while later, the two people came out again, with a third person.
Biologist: They have multiplied.
Physicist: A measurement error.
Mathematician: If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again.

The Dean addresses the Physics Department: "You guys are always asking for more labs and apparatus. Why can't you be like the math department — all they ask for is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets? Or even better, like the philosophy department — they don't even need waste-paper baskets."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. It is late at night.
Holmes: Looking up, Watson, what do you see?
Watson: I see thousands of stars, Holmes.
Holmes: And what do you infer from this spectacle?
Watson: I infer that our planet, Earth, is no more than a tiny pearl swimming in a vast ocean of stars and that each star is a mere dot in a huge galaxy. With so many stars, it is certain that there will be some with planets, and that many of these planets will be amenable to life. On some planets, life may have evolved into civilizations, and some of these civilizations may be even more advanced than our own. Perhaps at this very moment, there are beings on a distant planet making logical inferences that we cannot even imagine.
Holmes: And I infer, Watson, that someone has stolen our tent.

Anne and Bill are in a balloon. They are lost. Seeing a guy on the ground, Bill calls: "Where are we?" After a long delay, the guy calls back: "You are in a balloon." In the balloon:
Anne: He must be a mathematician.
Bill: How do you know?
Anne: One, he took a long time to answer a simple question. Two, his answer was 100% correct. Three, it was utterly useless.

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

π = 4?

``House Bill 1246: Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the state of Indiana, That it has been found that a circular area is equal to the the square on a line equal to the quadrant of the circumference.''

This curious piece of legislature was introduced by Dr. E.J. Goodwin in 1897. He reasoned as follows. Start with a circle of radius r. We know that this circle has area A = π r2 and circumference C = 2π r. Construct a square with sides equal to a quarter of the circumference, or C/4 = π r/2. Clearly [according to Dr. Goodwin], the area of the square is equal to the area of the circle. It follows that (π r/2)2 = π r2 or π = 4.

The Act was approved by the House Committee on Swamp Lands, the House Committee on Education, and finally by the entire Indiana House of Representatives, who approved it unanimously.

My Stuff

[If you don't understand these, don't worry. Just get a Ph.D. in math and try them again.]

  Attributed Humour

Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve imortailty through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on the the hearts of my countrymen, I would rather live on in my apartment.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

St. Augustine

Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet.

Milton Babbit

The issue of `science' does not intrude itelf directly upon the occasion of the performance of a musical work, at least a non-electronically produced work, since — as has been said — there is at least a question as to whether the question as to whether musical composition is to be regarded as a science or not is indeed really a question; but there is no doubt that the question as to whether musical discourse or — more precisely — the theory of music should be subject to the methodological criteria of scientific method and the attendant scientific language is a question, except that the question is not the normative one of whether it `should be' or `must be', but the factual one that it is, not because of the nature of the musical theory, but because of the nature and scope of scientific method and language, whose domain of application is such that if it is not extensible to musical theory, then musical theory is not a theory in any sense in which the term ever has been employed. This should sound neither contentious or portentous, rather it should be obvious to the point of virtual tautology.

Charles Dunbar Broad

A philosopher who regards ignorance of a scientific theory as insufficient reason for not writing about it cannot be accused of complete lack of originality.

James H. Fetzer

That a system's behavior can be affected by something is necessary, of course, but, in addition, the something must be functioning as a sign for that system. That such a sign stands for that which it stands for that system must make a difference to the (actual or potential) behavior of that system, where this difference can be specified in terms of the various ways that such a system would behave, were such a sign to stand for something other than that for which it stands for that system (or, would have behaved, had such a sign stood for something other than that for that system).

Hugh Gallagher

Applicants to NYU are asked to write an essay: "In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?" Hugh Gallagher was accepted to NYU on the basis of this essay:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to rite it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Sam Haskins

A photographer went to a socialite party in New York. As he entered the front door, the host said "I love your pictures — they're wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera." The photographer said nothing until dinner was finished, then: "That was a wonderful dinner; you must have a fantastic stove."

Steve Jobs

My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading.

Ian Kelso

(The winning entry of a New Statesman competition.)

True sonata form was evolved in the eighteenth century
(Subject number one, the exposition starts)
Domenico Scarlatti was involved in its evolution
(Subject number two, the exposition ends).

Now to develop, elaborate our themes:
Scarlatti formed sonatas, centuries of the truest;
True to the eighteenth century, Domenico was evolved.
The form was trued by Domenico, Domenico Scarlatti;
Formed in the truest century, the sonata was evolved,
Evolved by involution,
Its evolution was involved.

Now to recapitulate,
To state a little differently:
Sonata form was truly
Evolved in the eighteenth century
Scarlatti (one Domenico)
Evolved its involution.

Lynn Lavner

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.

Spike Milligan (1919 - 2002)

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

One day the don't knows will get in, and then where will we be?

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, 'I'll draw a sketch of thee; What kind of pencil shall I use? To be or not to be?'"

Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen.

Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Dan Quayle

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

Eleanor Roosevelt

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.

Brooke Shields

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Joseph A. Steinborn

The following piece, entitled "An Elementary Case History", appeared in the July 1978 issue of Datamation.

This is the goal that Jack set.

These are the objectives to be specifically met,
To achieve the goal that Jack set.

These are the requirements to parameterize the tasks,
To meet the objectives,
To achieve the goal that Jack set.

This is the workplan that structures the tasks,
To fulfill the requirements,
To meet the objectives,
To achieve the goal that Jack set.

These are the statements of work to be done,
Derived from the workplan on which they are structured,
To fulfill the requirements,
To meet the objectives,
To achieve the goal that Jack set.

These are the schedules of milestones and charts,
That tell when each statement of work shall be done,
To complete the workplan,
To fulfill the requirements,
To meet the objectives,
To achieve the goal that Jack set.

This is the budget of money and time,
To finance according to milestones and charts,
Each statement of work from the time that it starts,
All items that are in the workplan,
That fulfill the requirements,
To meet the objectives,
To achieve the goal that Jack set.

This is the contract that when signed will bind,
To budget of money and tasks and time,
According to schedule of milestones and charts,
The statement of work that shall be done,
To complete the workplan,
To fulfill the requirements,
To meet the objectives,
To achieve the goal that Jack set.

These are the reviews while money still lasts,
Of performance and budgets and slippage that masks,
Failures to accomplish appointed tasks,
Agreed to by contract,
Financed by budget,
Scheduled by milestones,
Defined by statements of work to be done,
According to the workplan,
That fulfill requirements,
And meet the objectives,
To achieve the goal that Jack set.

Here is a slight misunderstanding of the goal,
Yielding gnashing of teeth and raking of coals,
Overlooked during all of the many reviews,
Of perfect performance and other good news,
Not accounted for in the very tight budget,
And discovered too late for all to fudge it,
Never considered a milestone to chart,
Changing all statements of work from the start,
And tearing the workplan completely apart,
This will cause revamping of each requirement,
And in the process the early retirement,
Of those who defined their basic objectives,
From ill-informed viewpoints entirely subjective,
Having little in common with
The quite simple goal that Jack set.

Michael Swaine

For those of you who are not from the United States, here's a brief primer on our federal system. We have three branches of government: the Supreme Corpse, which is the unelected and unrepresentative body of senile ex-judges, bureaucrats, and John Holmes fans that makes most of the important laws in the country; the House of Misrepresentatives, which turns wishlists writen by oil-company lawyers and other special-interest lobbyists into rough drafts for the Supreme Corpse to copyedit and sanctify; and the unpopularly dislected Chief Executioner, who does, to the best of his ability, whatever they tell him to do. There's also something called the Senate, but it doesn't do anything. (DDJ, October 2002.)

Ted Turner

If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn't own anything. My wife's a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven't sold them.

Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Jack Winter

How I Met My Wife by Jack Winter (from The New Yawkuh)

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way. I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it, since I was travelling cognito.

Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do. Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused a bridled passion. So I decided not to risk it.

But then, all at once, for some apparant reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tales of. I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated — as if this were something I was great shakes at — and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings. Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous.

Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself. She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

Bert Whitney

If I travelled to the end of the rainbow,
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
That the pot is at the other end.


Proverbs always seem to be better when they are reversed or otherwise distorted. Here are some examples, attributed to "Anonymous" except where noted.

Never judge a cover by its book. (Fran Leibowitz)

Time wounds all heels. (Dorothy Parker? Groucho Marx? Shakespeare?)

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. (Dorothy Parker)

You can't teach an old dogma new tricks. (Dorothy Parker)

You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think. (Dorothy Parker, speaking to the American Horticultural Society)

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you — well, actually you condemn him to endless weekends sitting by the pond on Clapham Common looking bored out of his skull. (John O'Farrell)

A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. (Lawrence Block)

Too much broth spoils the cook.

Familiarity breeds.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. (Oscar Wilde)

Vidi, Vici, Veni. (Julius Caesar)


Secretary: The prime minister of Greece, Mr. Plasteras, is here to see you, sir.
Winston Churchill: Does he have feet of clay, too?

Conceited Science Fiction Writer to Tall Blonde: What would you say to a little fuck?
TB to CSFW: I would say: "Hello, little fuck".
(Told by Isaac Asimov.)

Question: What is the difference between "intuitionism" and "constructivism"?
David Auerbach: The former confuses truth with knowledge and the latter confuses abstract reasoning with ignorance.


Word Perfect

Eye halve a spelling chequer
   Witch lodes in my pea see.
It all weighs marques fore my revue
   Miss steaks I did knot sea.
Aye press the quays and tie pa claws
   And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong or write
   It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
   It nose bee fore I do
And eye kin putt the err or rite
   Be for I right to yew.
Eye scent this poem threw it
   I am shore ewe awed too no,
Its letter perfect awl the whey,
   My my crow tolled me sew.
[Sauce be leaved a re-tyred fellow.]

Useful Units

Time between slipping on peel and hitting ground1 bananosecond
Time to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour1 knot-furlong
Ratio of igloo's circumference to its diameterEskimo Pi
Force exerted by 1 kg of falling figs1 fig-newton
365 bottles of low-calorie beer1 lite-year
1,000 grams of wet socks1 liter-hosen
1012 microphones1 megaphone
500,000 bicycles1 megacycle
40 monographs1 photograph
2 monograms1 diagram
10 millipedes1 centipede

Consumer Instructions

How to Hunt an Elephant

Interpreting Scientific Research Literature

(First sighted in the Military Psychology Newsletter, December 1979. I have made small editorial improvements.,)

What was saidWhat was meant
It has long been known that ...I haven't bothered to look up the reference, but ...
Of great theoretical and practical importance ...Interesting to me ...
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions ...The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication ...
The operant conditioning method was chosen to study the problem.The guy across the hall already had the equipment set up.
Three of the samples of Group A were chosen for study ...The others didn't make sense ...
Typical/selected results are shown ...The best/only results are shown ...
Agreement with the theoretical prediction is excellent/good/satisfactory.Agreement is fair/poor/imaginary.
It is suggested/believed/proposed that ...I think that ...
It is generally agreed that ...The guy across the hall thinks so, too.
It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding ...I don't understand it.
Unfortunately, a quantitative theory that accounts for these results has not yet been formulated.I can't think of one and neither has the guy across the hall.
Correct within an order of magnitude.Wrong.
Thanks are due to Sam Zebeard for assistance with the experiments and to Jane Glotz for valuable discussions ...Zebeard did the work; Glotz explained it.

Advice to Tourists

These are allegedly genuine signs encountered by allegedly genuine tourists.

  • Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
  • Tokyo Hotel: Please to bathe inside the tub.
  • Bucharest Hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret you wil be unbearable.
  • Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
  • Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
  • Paris elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
  • Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
  • Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
  • Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  • Moscow hotel: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Tuesday.
  • Austrian skiing hotel: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose while wearing the boots of ascension.
  • Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
  • Polish restaurant: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
  • Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient, self-service.
  • Hong Kong tailor: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
  • Bangkok dry cleaner: Drop your trousers here for best results.
  • Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
  • Rhodes tailor: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
  • Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
  • East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
  • Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
  • Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
  • Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
  • Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
  • Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
  • Czech tourist agent: Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.
  • Thailand donkey rides: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
  • Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
  • Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
  • Hong Kong toy: Guranteed to work throughout its useful life.
  • Swiss inn: Special today: no ice cream.
  • Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
  • Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
  • Copenhagen ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  • Moscow hotel: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
  • Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  • Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
  • Rome doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
  • Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
  • Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you will find they are best in the long run.
  • Japanese air conditioner: Cooles and Heates; if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
  • Tokyo car rental: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
  • Majorcan shop: English well talking. Here speeching American.

    To Write Well

    (An essay on writing submitted by a student in an English course. Spelling and syntax are as in the original.)

    Writing is a very demanding skill that requires much patience and determiantion. Aspecialy in the Enlish tounge infact in any tounge that resembles Egish. You see in Yougoslavian for instance one trivial item is remouved without effort. That is spelling.

    In English you would write "Sought me" but in Yougoslavian "sot mi". You read the way you write. English has a fairly simple grammar, but it has endless combinations with no layed out rules for writing words on paper. Though I must comment on one other point. English is unlike many languages. If you can apply your words correctly there issues out a beautifull harmony of silables and souns that make English a very charming language. In some circles I know for a fact English is considered a language for aristocrats. Ofcourse there are many other nice sounding toungs.

    Back to writing. There are other finer points to writing like the fact it's nice to be literate. I imagine that it takes a good run down on all the different points. Checking sentence structure down to spelling and up again presentation of say letters. (POST)

    Student Examinations

    Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

    Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

    The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

    Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

    The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

    To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

    The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

    A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

    The earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

    The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

    To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

    To collect fumes of sufur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

    Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one of them.

    Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

    Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

    A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

    The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

    The moon is a planet like the earth, only it is even deader.

    Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

    An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a cow that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

    We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

    English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

    By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

    If conditions are not favourable, bacteria may go into a period of adolescence.

    Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

    Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manfactures another individual by accident.

    A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

    A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

    Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

    A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

    The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

    When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

    It is a well-known fact that a decreased body harms the mind.

    Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

    Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

    When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

    An Easy Game to Play

    Here's an easy game to play.
    Here's an easy thing to say.

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
    And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
    And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
    Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

    You can't say this?
    What a shame, sir!
    We'll find you
    Another game, sir!

    If the label on the cable on the table at your house
    Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
    But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
    That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
    So your icons in the windows are as wavy as a souse,
    Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
    'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

    When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
    And the microcode instructions cause unecessary RISC,
    Then you'll have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
    Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!